


If You Were a Vegetable, You'd Be a Cute-cumber

by thiccbuckybarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bon Appetit Test Kitchen, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chef Bucky Barnes, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Getting Together, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Soft Bucky, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, all of the food puns, bon appetit au, cheese puns are the best pickup lines you cannot convince me otherwise, is this a thing yet?, senior food editor bucky barnes, shrinkyclinks, video producer steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23500426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccbuckybarnes/pseuds/thiccbuckybarnes
Summary: “This dish is a little cheesy, but it still tastes grate,” Bucky says with a completely straight face; his looks made even more menacing by the permanent murder-face he naturally has, but then you have to subtract from the Scary because of the yellow polka dot apron he has around his neck and tied around his waist, and then there is always the bright blue scrunchy tying half of his hair into a messy bun at the top of his head.Steve tries to cover his mouth casually with one hand to suppress a laugh, and looks down at the sheet of paper in his other hand that contains the recipe they should be following. He squints at it, like he’s trying to figure something important out, because if Bucky sees him laugh, his bad puns are only going to get worse, much to the thrill of their viewers.--Or, a modern Bon Appetit Test Kitchen AU where Skinny!Steve is a video producer and WS!Bucky is the quiet but fan-favorite senior food editor that makes constant food puns while he demonstrates recipes for the BA YouTube channel.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 69
Kudos: 624





	If You Were a Vegetable, You'd Be a Cute-cumber

**Author's Note:**

> Has this been done yet??
> 
> If you're unfamiliar with BA, the food magazine Bon Appetit has a test kitchen that tests all of their recipes. They have had a youtube channel for a few years now that shows off all of the wonderful and wacky personalities of the chefs(food editors) and employees/film crew, and it's basically a meme and a half. Highly recommend their channel if you want to learn more about food, cooking, or just to have something lighthearted and happy on <3
> 
> Also, Tommy Werner inspired a pre-serum Steve video producer(Google him!!!). I have no regrets.

“This dish is a little cheesy, but it still tastes grate,” Bucky says with a completely straight face; his looks made even more menacing by the permanent murder-face he naturally has, but then you have to subtract from the Scary because of the yellow polka dot apron he has around his neck and tied around his waist, and then there is always the bright blue scrunchy tying half of his hair into a messy bun at the top of his head.

Steve tries to cover his mouth casually with one hand to suppress a laugh, and looks down at the sheet of paper in his other hand that contains the recipe they should be following. He squints at it, like he’s trying to figure something important out, because if Bucky sees him laugh, his bad puns are only going to get worse, much to the thrill of their viewers.

“Cut,” Steve says, trying to settle his mouth into a thin line. Bucky steps back from the large white counter where they film, hands fidgeting with his small chef’s knife. Clint knows to always continue to film Bucky, _especially_ when he has a knife in his hands, because they always edit the video so there is a compilation of all of his unconscious knife twirling tricks that their viewers die over.

“What, was that not a gouda one? I guess you’re right, it could’a been cheddar,” he says with his usual frown, and Steve has to roll his eyes, he _has to,_ because if he doesn’t he’s going to absolutely swoon and he refuses to swoon for cheese puns. 

But his protest is all for naught because Clint snorts next to him, and Bucky gets a grump-proud sort of look about him that is way too endearing to be fair.

“Okay, okay. From the top, please,” Steve does his best to grumble while he pushes his hair out of his face and refocuses on the recipe in front of him. He’s the only one that actively tries to maintain some form of professionalism here. Which is important when you never know when executive editor Nick Fury will pop out of nowhere and scare the bejesus out of you.

But Bucky is one of the only ones who can actually get the guy to crack to smile. They have some sort of telepathic communication abilities that all people who have Resting Murder Faces must have. Steve didn’t really understand it. 

The chef fiddles with his sleeves as he waits, which are neatly rolled up to expose his forearms; one skin and one metal. From what Steve knows, Bucky had served in the military for some number of years, but he doesn’t talk about it. Steve has frequently wondered if Bucky was so serious and quiet because of the time he spent there, the things that happened to him, and the things he saw. But Bucky doesn’t offer the information, so Steve doesn't ask.

“Action,” he says, and Bucky drops his smile-frown into a frown-frown and looks to the camera that he doesn’t know never stopped rolling.

“Hello everyone, my name is Bucky Barnes and today I’m going to show you how to make _Greens Gratin with All the Cheese,_ ” he says, his face the neutral, bored expression that all of his fans obsess over. Bucky became a cult-favorite overnight, with TikToks and memesters screaming all over the Internet how they would ‘die for Bucky from the Bon Appetit test kitchen.’

“This recipe is great because it has a lot of textures and it lets you hide your vegetables under a mountain of yummy cheese. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Bucky, leafy greens are _so overrated._ To which I say,” he says, picking up the bunch of greens to his right and deadass glaring into the camera lens, “Don’t kale my vibe.”

Steve actually groans, covering his face in his hands again. He peeks through his fingers to see Bucky looking at him with his smile-frown back on his face, looking satisfied at Steve’s reaction while Steve questions the life choices that brought him here.

Bucky goes through and points out all of the ingredients on the counter that the viewers will need for the recipe. He also picks up each piece of equipment one would need to prepare and cook this dish, and talks a little about the methodology of the recipe. Steve does his best to follow the script he had written, consulting repeatedly to the recipe just to have something to do. It _was_ his job, afterall, but Bucky was one of the easier food editors to film.

“We’re going to start with preparing our ingredients. Lettuce talk about our greens first,” he says, and picks up the kale again. “Now, kale has been on a bit of a hype train lately because it’s cheap and a superfood. It’s a leafy green that’s from the cabbage family, and is rich in fiber, antioxidants, calcium, vitamins C and K, and iron. If you don’t like kale, then swiss chard is okay. But for me, the kale is chard to resist,” he says and then makes eye contact with Steve.

It takes Steve everything that he is to not react. Clint turns the camera to him, and Steve does his best not to glare at Clint.

“Do you not carrot all for my sense of humor, Steve?” he asks, camera still rolling, his big hands still fondling the bunch of kale. 

Steve _knows_ his cheeks turn pink because he is always cold from his poor circulation but his face feels hot. He just sighs dramatically, getting the barest hint of a smile from Bucky before the chef turns back to the camera and puts his frown back on.

“We’re going to begin with making a legend-dairy cream sauce--” he says, not looking up as Clint vocally groans--“by peeling and chopping one medium yellow onion and four garlic cloves.” 

He sets up his onion, and then makes eye contact with the camera as he chops the onion perfectly, not even sparing a glance at his fingers as his knife flies in a quick _chopchopchop_. He moves on to the garlic, smashing it to release the allicin and the paper.

“If I add a few extra cloves, that’s n-onion your business,” he says, his face as neutral as ever, not looking at the camera while he minces the several cloves. 

He walks over to the stove, Clint and Steve following him, and he shows how to start the cream sauce. As the skillet heats, he looks at Steve and gives him a smile-frown. The affectionate look goes straight to his head, and he averts his eyes and brushes his hand through his hair again in embarrassment. 

He’s seen the comments on the videos, seen the gifsets on Tumblr where users exclaim over Bucky’s supposed “heart eyes” when he looks at Steve. He’s familiar with stan culture, he knows how intense fans can get. The Bon Appetit Test Kitchen has an entire section of fan content on that fan fiction website, for heaven's sakes. He _knows._

But that doesn’t mean it’s _real._

They’re just colleagues. Bucky cooks, and Steve yells at him when he gets the recipe wrong (which is rare) and provides the eye-rolling and huffing behind the camera. Bucky doesn’t look at him any different than he looks at Natasha, which is another couple that a lot of fans ship. Steve isn’t the only one. According to the fans, Bucky is a slut.

He is attractive, though. Bucky is big, packed with muscle. It’s almost shocking how big of a contrast there is between his appearance and his temperament; he’s quiet, soft spoken, and makes the worst food puns Steve has ever heard.

And Steve works for a national food magazine. That’s saying something.

So Steve admires from a distance. What’s the harm? He’s perfectly allowed to sit back and ogle Bucky’s rippling muscles as they tie his half-up, half-down hair into a bun on top of his head with fun colored scrunchies. Maybe it's a little distasteful, but if he wants to imagine getting Bucky on his knees for him, pushing his fingers into his silky brown hair to pull out that silly scrunchie of his, or getting that big bulking body spread out and folded in half so he could… Well, anyway, that’s his business. Let him live his life.

Steve realizes he’s missing some of the recipe, as Bucky had already added the heavy cream, rosemary sprig, salt and black pepper to the skillet of onions and garlic and has it on a low heat.

“Now, we’re not looking for a violent bubble. See how there are just gentle, small bubbles here?” He asks softly, mic probably barely picking up his voice while he points to the simmering cream in the pan, prompting Clint to get a close-up. “This is what we want; just a gentle simmer to not split our cream. We wanna coax out flavor slowly, not force it out. Now that it’s on low, we’re going to prepare our kale.”

They head back to the counter where Bucky demonstrates the best way to wash and de-stem the kale, and then gets to chopping it with his deft mis-matched hands. 

“This recipe is really wonderful because we’re going to top the kale with lots of cheese and panko breadcrumbs to get a cheesy but crunchy texture,” he says as he works, looking down at his cutting board as he tears and cuts the kale into large pieces and sets them on a baking sheet to dry from the rinse. “Think creamed spinach but actually good.”

Steve loves watching him cook. He always looks like he’s in another world--a more peaceful one--when he has a knife or a wood spoon in his hand. His eyes are always focused, determined, and that’s why Steve always feels himself react so strongly when he becomes the focus of those eyes. Steve consults back to the recipe, making sure Bucky is chopping the right amount of kale. He is, of course. Bucky always knows the recipes well.

When he’s done, he grabs the simmering onion-cream mixture and sets it on the counter before scooping out the used rosemary sprig.

“We’re going to blend this so that we don’t have huge pieces of onion, and it’ll cause it to thicken further into a nice silky sauce” he says as he tips the mixture into the blender and then zests a lemon right into it. 

“The lemon zest will just help brighten everything up. The recipe also calls for a quarter teaspoon of red pepper flakes--but, you know me,” he says, a pretty tinge of color rising on his cheeks as he leaves the red pepper flakes out.

Steve hides a smile, because it’s so _cute_ that a big man like Bucky is sensitive to even the tiniest bit of heat. Bucky blends the cream mixture until smooth, and then ushers them back over to the stove where he demonstrates how to properly wilt the kale they had prepared in a cast iron skillet. When the wilting process is done, he returns to the counter to explain the topping.

“Steve, how many cups does six ounces of cheese make?” Bucky asks, looking at him as he cuts the sharp cheddar into small squares. He has that look about him that means that Steve is walking right into a trap, but Clint turns the camera to him so he _has_ to answer.

He looks down at his notes with a sigh, and then looks directly at the camera with a painful expression that he knows is going to turn into a gif reaction.

“About a cup and a half,” he says. Clint turns back to Bucky and he assumes zooms in when Bucky says,

“I’ll take your curd for it.”

Clint cracks up again and shakes the camera, and Steve sighs at this torture he is subjected to.

“This is a high-quality sharp cheddar cheese I’m using, from Shelburne Farms up in Vermont. Make sure you don’t cut yourself on it.” Steve covers his mouth to stifle a giggle because _oh god that was so bad._ Bucky lifts a piece of cheese up to show the camera and says, “It doesn't get cheddar than this,” which makes Steve _actually_ laugh. He’s giving up. This is too painful.

Bucky cracks a smile but then immediately gets back that grumpy-proud look on him, which does something funny to Steve’s arrhythmic heartbeat. He walks them through the topping, and shows how to properly construct the dish in the cast iron skillet. They follow him to the oven where he delicately places the skillet in, and puts his hands on his hips and nods his head in approval at a job well done.

He looks up at the camera with a straight face and says, “You’re going to let it brie for about fifty to fifty-five minutes in the oven while it gets hot and bubbly. Don’t even peek.”

He looks at Steve and gives him the most of a smile Steve has ever seen, like he’s waiting for Steve’s groan. The video producer gives him an exaggerated eye roll, but can’t help smiling when Bucky looks satisfied.

They go back to the counter and Bucky leans on it while he talks to Steve.

“Are you coming out for drinks tonight, Steve? It’s thirsty Thursday,” Bucky reminds him, voice gentle. Steve tried to keep himself from getting distracted at Bucky’s bulging biceps where they’re bent leaning on the counter. _Thirsty for something, alright._

“Yeah, I was planning on it,” he says, pushing his hair out of his face again out of nervous habit and feeling his fingers shake a bit. 

The three of them chat for a while, talking about how in need they all were of a night out. Natasha comes over after the half-hour mark, and whispers something to Bucky that makes him shake his head and chuckle without actually smiling, which was a weird thing for Steve to wrap his head around.

Truth be told, he always felt a little… out of Bucky’s league. Bucky was so handsome, all muscle and height. Steve was an asthmatic with a heart condition and a kink for big, beefy guys that he could bend over. He knew, objectively, he was attractive; boney but lean, and there was nothing wrong with that. But he couldn’t help but assume that Bucky was probably into sassy curvy redheads like Natasha, instead of sassy little stick figures like Steve. 

“Do you have any more puns?” Steve asks, trying to get out of the funk he suddenly found himself in. He regrets it instantly, though, because Bucky gets a glint in his eye.

“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber,” he says, staring directly at Steve. Steve feels himself flush, stumbling over a response before Bucky rattles off more with a completely serious face.

“You look radish-ing today.”

Bucky picks up his chef’s knife, fidgeting with it in his fingers. He doesn’t take his eyes off Steve.

“If you were a fruit, you’d be a _fine_ -apple.”

Steve can see Clint going back and forth between him and Bucky, getting Steve on camera as he gets redder and redder, covering his face with his hands. He doesn’t want to look at those serious steel-blue eyes, that unfairly attractive face attached to _that body_ , but he can’t help but look. Bucky’s eyes are positively smiling, even though his face looks grumpy.

“You’re looking mozzare-hella good today.”

The timer for the oven thankfully goes off, and when Steve peeks out from his fingers Bucky looks rather proud of himself. 

Bucky retrieves the skillet from the oven and places it on the counter where Clint can get the best view of it.

“Okay, hold on, I need to take a picture of this for my Insta-yam,” Bucky says, pulling out his phone to take a picture, making Clint make a noise of protest at the bad joke.

“Okay, so as you can see we got a nice bubbling sauce which will have made the kale nice and creamy. You can see the good browning here on the cheese and breadcrumbs, and you’ll have some nice crispy kale peaking out,” Bucky says, pointing to each part of the dish as he talks about it. He serves them up a plate, and when Bucky hands Steve his portion their hands touch.

Steve takes a bite and swoons, smiling up at Bucky while he finishes off the shoot. There was just something about Bucky’s cooking that always made his heart happy. It was just too delicious. Steve calls the final _cut,_ and Bucky's shoulders fall, letting himself sink into a slouch.

“Great job,” Steve compliments, still wary that Clint has the camera going. Bucky fixes him with that smile-frown again.

“Oh, kale yeah,” he says in all seriousness. Steve bursts out a laugh and groans, “ _Oh my god,_ ” loudly, more than positive that this was going to be turned into a gifset as soon as it airs.

~*~

That night, Steve shows up to the bar with Sam as promised for their weekly Thirsty Thursday outing. They greet their friends at their usual table, most of the crew and editors all there with Bucky sitting at the end of the table next to two empty seats. Steve offers to grab Sam a beer and heads over to the bar.

He orders their usuals, and as he waits for the bartender to grab the drinks he pulls out his phone to mindlessly scroll through Instagram. Amongst the several cat and dog pages he follows and buried between two memes is Bucky’s post of the greens gratin he made today.

It was a great aerial shot of the skillet; the golden brown cheese and breadcrumbs looking delicious with the crispy kale piece poking out between. It really was a delicious dish.

The comment was, of course, a pun: “ _Kale you tell me what makes this dish so grate? (Hint: It’s the cup and a half of cheese.)_ ”

Steve rolls his eyes, but smiles down at it. As he scrolls down, though, he sees that the description continues.

“ _I recommend you make this dish for someone you find cheesy on the eyes. It’s gouda-teed to win them over!_ ” with a yellow heart emoji and the winky face blowing a kiss.

Steve bites his lip, grinning down at his phone. He glances over to Bucky, who is--

Who is looking right at him, eyes soft and his mouth turned up in a small smile. Steve opens his mouth, wanting to say something, but Bucky is across the room and his beers are finally being set down on the counter. Steve pockets his phone quickly, breaking the moment as he turns to pick up the beers and head back to the table. The only open seat is, of course, next to Bucky.

He sits, and smiles at Bucky next to him.

“So you _do_ have hair ties other than scrunchies,” Steve observes, nodding to Bucky’s usual half-up, half-down hairdo that has a plain black tie in it. Bucky shrugs and takes a swig of his beer.

“I am a man of many surprises,” he says mildly, but there is a twinkle in his eye. 

“That you are,” Steve agrees, and turns to listen to a wild story Clint was sharing. 

They order some food, and spend a few hours drinking and talking about the work week. Bucky always only has one beer and then switches to diet Coke for the rest of the night. Natasha teases him that he’s a Taylor Swift wannabe, and Bucky makes no objection.

When they finally disband for the night, Steve, Sam, and Bucky all walk together because they all live in the same direction. Steve tightens his arms around himself, getting chilled from the cool spring air. 

“Here,” Bucky says from behind him, draping his big coat over Steve’s lithe shoulders. Immediately he’s encompassed by the warmth, and he ducks his head as he feels the cold be chased out of his body, smells that spicy cologne Bucky wears that’s sharp enough to be noticed but not enough to be overpowering. Sam gives him a knowing look, and points to his subway stop.

“I’ll catch you two later, goodnight,” Sam says with a wave. Steve and Bucky say goodbye, watching him leave for a moment before continuing on.

“Don’t you live that way?” Steve asks, motioning towards the street they were passing as they walked. Bucky shrugs.

“G’nna walk you home first,” he says with his usual Murder Face expression. Steve figures he wants his coat back, and looks appraisingly at Bucky’s bare forearms. His eyes trail up to his shoulders, and Steve has to look up a bit to see them, wide and solid.

Bucky peers over at him, quirking a brow. He shivers under Buck’s intense gaze, his steel-blue eyes watching him. Steve stops then, and looks down at his sneakered feet.

“Steve?” Bucky asks, standing in front of him.

Steve breathes in a deep breath and gathers his courage, thinking of the Instagram post from earlier.

“I’m really fondue of you,” he says, looking up at Bucky’s surprised expression. The brunet looks shocked for all of three seconds before his head tips back and he _laughs._

Bucky’s never laughed in front of him before--he’s never heard that voice go a notch above gentle. But Bucky’s laugh is sharp, booming, and surprised. His mouth spit by a wide-open grin as he laughs into the night air. Steve would be insulted that Bucky was laughing at him if it weren’t for Bucky actually _laughing at him._

When Bucky is finally done, he looks down at Steve with a fond smile on his face, eyes warm and tracing his lips. He raises a hand to cup Steve’s cheek, thumb brushing across his cheekbone.

“Steve,” he says, eyes not drifting from his mouth. “I’m gonna eggplant a kiss on you now.”

Steve can barely get a nod in before Bucky is leaning in, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. Steve feels the nervous butterflies in his stomach ignite on fire, warmth spreading up his belly and going straight to his head. 

Steve reaches up and grabs the front of Bucky’s shirt to pull him in closer, kissing him harder. He parts his lips, pushing his tongue into Bucky’s mouth. He’d feel embarrassed for how eager he was if it wasn’t for the soft groan Bucky emits from his throat, holding Steve tighter.

They kiss like that for what seems like several minutes, but couldn’t be that long. Still, Bucky pulls back too soon, thumb swiping the wet on Steve’s bottom lip.

“Did my cheese puns finally win you over?” Bucky asks, hot breath visibly puffing a little in the chilly air.

Steve can’t help the giggle, smiling wide and happy. 

“Talk curd-y to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a real BA recipe! You can find it [here!](https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/greens-gratin-with-all-the-cheese)
> 
> comment favorite food puns pls


End file.
